I'm comin out...
and I'm not sure if I want the world to know
PART I:
Fuck. I feel so goddamn mixed about sharing my life on public platforms. On one hand, I'm a Leo (SUN!) through and through, a PERFORMER who LOVES being the center of attention and being seen and witnessed and beheld... (Aaaand on the other, my leo (moon), along with who knows what other aspects, make it HARD for me to TAKE the attention. I'm also so...shy...sometimes.) And- my privacy is PARAMOUNT to me, especially at this point in my life. I feel so torn. And, I'm aware that If I don't share about my life at this juncture, other voices will fill the space of my own. And I resolutely desire to author my own story.
BIG SIGH.
OHHHHHH BUT I *CHERISH* my privacy right now UUGGGGGHHHHHH
I LOVE my ALONENESS, Loneliness, Solitude, Hermitage. It is so PRECIOUS to me.
And, I also seem to like something about being an enigma. I like when people don't know what's going on with me. And might even, dare I say, *WONDER* about me (bats eyelashes emphatically, and gets a contact high from the thought...)
Part of me loves being mysterious.
I WANT IT ALL OUT IN THE OPEN!- TITS AND KINKS AND ALL!!!
And, I want to—one part, seductively; the other part, reverently—maintain sanctity by keeping me to myself. For myself.
Ohhhhh this culture, this moment... The readily available and socially implanted means we have for sharing, broadcasting, expressing. Is it self-expression or self-promotion? Is there even a line between the two anymore? Is it something else?
By the way, thank you for your patience as I work towards.....something.
I might need to share slowly, or cryptically, or cry as I write, or something, to bridge my oppositionally yearning parts.
Maybe I need to filter who reads this. Am I going to post it on Facebook? That thought is slightly horrifying. Will I send it as an email blast? A first substack letter?
Okay.
I’m going to try to share one lil non-chronological layer at a time, so I don’t blow out my nervous system.
REPEAT: BIG SIGH.
Hi.
My name is Casey Loomis…most of the time. When I lived in Austin, TX for a short, bright moment, I was LEo. And I picked up the name Claro, which feels fitting in certain atmospheres, while in Zipolite, MX. I also play with other names and identities and animals to draw out and capture different parts of myself.
Name: check.
I’m 37 years old. It’s a common that when people first meet me, or when they don’t know me well, they think I’m younger, sometimes much younger, than I am. I could make up reasons for why this is. I think it’s a lot about appearance, and maybe, probably, energetics too.
I’m a shapeshiftress. For better or for worse. It’s a super power I’m fumbling with aka learning to wield. Often, when I make a slight shift in my appearance, people don’t recognize me. Sometimes this is upsetting for me, and has me feeling heavy-hearted, as though I can’t build with people, because their interactions with me don’t get compounded in their memory and networked in their knowledge mapping.
I told my parents when I was quite small that I wanted to be a fashion dresser when I grew up. My father is a visual artist and was an art director of an ad agency. My mother was a professional dancer and runs a dance school. I fell right below the tree, no rolls, just PLOP- ‘I’M STICKING RIGHT HERE.’ (Hm, maybe that’s part of my Slow Ship nature.) If you cut me in half you’ll see my art fruit on one side and dance fruit on the other. I am more than this. And, it also plainly explains so much.
I spent the first 31 years of my life in a primary partnership with dance. The relationshape triangulated to include NYC when I moved there in 2008. I left both on August 31st, 2017, and entered into a different kind of partnership, one with an humanimal. One named Christos.
From September 2017 thru September 2023 I lived in the following places, in order: Canada Lake, NY (2 mos); Totnes, Devon, England (6 mos); upstate NY/western MA (5 mos); Williamsburg, MA (15 mos); St Pete, FL then Myrtle Beach, SC (2 mos); New Hartford, NY (8 mos); Asheville, NC (1 wk); Tucson, AZ (2 wks); Bisbee, AZ (2 wks); southern CA (a moment); Zipolite, Oaxaca, Mexico (2 mos); Ramona, CA (a moment); Albuquerque, NM (1 mo); the road ; Harbin Hot Springs (1 wk); Brinnon, WA (1 mo); Harbin Hot Springs (a moment); Port Hadlock-Irondale, WA (1+ mo); NY/MA (1 mo); Port Townsend, WA (3 mos); the road ; Santa Fe, NM (2 mos); Taos, NM (2 wks?); Austin, TX (4 mos); upstate NY (3 mos); Santa Fe, NM (8 mos); New Hartford, NY/Canada Lake, NY/western MA (2+ mos) . . .
(I have never written, spoken, or even thought out that list before. Feels like a massive triumph for my nervous system. Titration titration titration.)
Which brings me to October 5th, 2023, when I arrived in Santa Fe, NM once again. But this time, For Real.
Hi, my name is Casey Loomis (today), I’m 37 years old (chronos), and I live in Santa Fe, NM (indefinitely).
~
Clarity caught up to me by the time I finished writing (above)—>A SUBSTACK IS BORN. I’d like to embark on sharing my story, the one that needs to be told, as I discover it, in digestible parts. In serving sizes that won’t completely overwhelm me. And I imagine it might include bits of all the writing I’ve (privately) done over the past 3 years—essays, poetry, and more. Please subscribe if you’d like to follow my tail/tale <3